Thank You

I'm not sure that anyone really reads this anymore now that I'm not promoting it on social media.

I've got to get my thoughts out. The last week or so has been rough for me. I've been in an awful mood. I'm angry and sad and flustered. Then I feel guilty for it. It exhausts me physically and mentally.

I'm usually an early bird. I like being up and enjoying my morning. This past week or so, however, has not been the case. It takes everything in me to get out of bed. My body is aching again. And this weekend I slept until noon almost every morning. I was reminded that this is my body's way of telling me it needs rest, but it makes me feel unsettled anyway. It's so hard for me to learn the art of doing nothing. I'm constantly feeling like I need to do, do, do and go, go, go.

This weather isn't helping, either. I can't wait for the sun to warm the grounds again, that always helps me. Good ol' vitamin D!

I'm really hard on myself when I'm like this. Sometimes I think I'm making it all up. It doesn't make it any easier to think of it that way, so I don't know why I wonder if that's what's going on. But it's hard to deny the late mornings and the aching joints. I'm not necessarily in a crying mood, I'm just very down and I hate being that way. I know that life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. You gotta put up with the rain to enjoy the rainbow, but feeling this low for no reason at all is so incredibly draining.

I also have an addict in my life who is very, very close to me. They're related. The amount of hurt and stress and guilt and worry that puts on me is unreal. I can't even begin to describe this type of pain. It only adds to my anxiety and depression.

A lot of people I've confided in remind me that a lot of this is out of my control. I should let a lot of it go and keep going forward. And I'm trying. But when you deal with mental illness like this, it's so much easier said than done. The only thing harder than actually getting better is not getting better.

Still, I'm going to push forward. I'm going to hop on that elliptical and wipe down my house with bleach. I'm going to open the window to let the cold, unkind winter chill in and I'm going to take a big breath in and tell it thank you.

Until next time.

2019, bring it on.

Wow- long, long, long, long time no see! I started an anxiety blog that I'll continue to update, but my anxiety has been pretty manageable so really all you'd see on that page is, "I'm good."

I decided to switch back to this one for a bit because it's more general. I'm not going to go through years 2016 and 2017- that would be a novel. I don't have the patience and you don't have the time.

2018 overall was a good year. It definitely had it's bumps, but in the end I grew and learned and loved. That's all you can really ask for, right? I've always said that I love getting older and it's true! I do. I love learning new things I would have never learned had it not been for the year I just had. Some things you can't be taught. Some things you just have to experience. I think experience is the most honest teacher anyway.

So far the main things I've learned in my 24 years of living are:

• Love comes in all forms. Falling in love doesn't have a time frame. Falling out of love doesn't, either.
• Kindness and patience are the biggest virtues to have.
• Every single thing in life is manageable.
• Your thoughts create your reality.
• Books are always cool.
• Boys are absolutely, without a single doubt, from another planet.
• There's a billion ways to live life, and there is no one way better than the other.
• Being an open book is okay, but don't be surprised if what you say comes back to bite your ass as hard as it can. Ya gotta have a tough shell if you're going to blab.
• Friends come and go based on the timing of your life. When it's time for the relationship to end, wish them well and walk away.
• Health and exercise are very important. (My least favorite realization.)
• Being alone is something to treasure, but so is having a companion to lean on when life weighs it's heavy bones onto yours.

There's a lot more, but you get the picture. Overall I have a very optimistic view on life. I believe most people are good and the ones that aren't need to be loved a little more.

I'm happy where I'm at. Almost every night for the past year or so, I get in my bed and smile and thank God or the universe or whatever/whoever is out there for all that I have and all that's been given to me and all that I've worked for. I am so endlessly grateful.

Happiness In Being Alone

So, the other night at work I started thinking about how weird it is that I chose to move back to Arizona. It's weird because Arizona has held a lot of scary things for me, so why would I choose to go back?

I've decided to open up about my experience with depression because it is a real illness that causes real pain, and the pain comes in many forms. It may be alarming to some of my family members and friends, but I just want to say before I start my story that I'm okay now and I know the warning signs if this were to ever happen again and I would not hesitate to get help.
Okay, so I moved to Arizona when I was 17 years old. Never been here before, never been on my own before. I graduated early and got the hell out of Utah because that's what they do in the movies and I had fantasized about my life becoming this amazing story to tell about how I left my hometown and never looked back. HA! Anyway, immediately I was lonely. I've always been a social butterfly and suddenly I was in a brand new place with brand new people and I felt so out of my comfort zone and so scared and so uncomfortable. Nothing could have prepared me for that shock. Instead of diving in and grabbing life by the balls, which I thought I would do, I somehow slipped into a shell of nervousness and uncertainty. I'd go to school, babysit my cousins, and sleep. Suddenly I realized I was sleeping every chance I got and I was always tired. Around this time, my relationship with my mom was rocky because I was 17 and ornery and our communication style was very poor. (Thankfully we've worked through that and are on the same page now.) So, alongside being tired, my body started to hurt. My arms and legs and back ached like I had the flu. Then I realized that I was crying multiple times a day for absolutely no particular reason at all. I'd wake up and cry because I woke up. I'd shower and sit there on the shower floor and bawl because my legs hurt. I'd drive to school and cry because it was chilly outside. By this time I realized that out of nowhere Depression was staring at me straight in the face. I just didn't know what to do about it. I realized I needed help when one day I was playing a game I had started to play a lot. It was called, "If I Were To Kill Myself Right Now, Where And How Would I Do It?" For example, I went on a scenic walk with my family one day and saw a tree with a branch that stuck out horizontally and I thought to myself that that would be a perfect place to hang myself. Anyway, so I was playing my new favorite game and something inside me shook me and I realized exactly what it was that I was doing. I was finding places to kill myself? What got me to this place? How did it come so out of the blue? What do I do now? How do I get rid of it?

I finally told my mom that I was sad and would like to be put on pills. So, on Spring Break I went home and had a doctor's appointment. I remember the doctor asking me if I exercised because that may help. Obviously, this woman had never dealt with depression because if she did she would know that exercising when your entire body and mind hurts just isn't an option. The pills worked but they gave me insomnia and I wouldn't sleep for days at a time, so I quit taking them. I finally decided to just do what I wanted to do in the first place and move back home and I instantly felt better. A lot of people were commenting on my weight loss and I finally looked myself in the mirror and realized I had lost about 10 pounds because of my loss of appetite. I was about 90 pounds when I moved back to Utah, but after a couple weeks of being home I gained my weight back and then some. My sadness had finally gone away and I was healthy and happy again.

So, as I said at the beginning of this freaky story, I'm really surprised that I moved back here because I had such an awful experience when I was here before. For the past little while I've been wondering why, of all places, I chose to move back to the place that held my depression. Then, about two nights ago, out of the blue, I realized why I made the crazy decision to move back here. I'm no longer reliant on friends to keep me happy. I've taught myself how to be content with being alone and I know how to make myself happy without relying on someone else's help. That is a HUGE lesson I think everyone should learn and I'm so happy I've finally began to grasp the concept.
I wrote a blog post titled "Update On the Sadness" on February 17th, right after Joe and I had broken up for good. In that post I wrote, "And now I've got another weird intuition feeling. I know that all this pain and hurt is for a reason. I know it's because I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to love myself without a man loving me. I don't know how to be independent and happy at the same time. I'm a relationship kind of girl. I like going through life with a companion, it's enjoyable to me. But I'm also aware that there comes a flaw with enjoying life that way. And it's time to recognize the flaw and improve it so that I can spare myself this kind of pain from happening again."
ISN'T THAT CRAZY HOW THIS WHOLE THING JUST CAME IN FULL CIRCLE?! Life is insane. I wish I could just throw a huge party in celebration of finding my own happiness in being alone. I feel like now I'm ready for any relationship that comes my way because I know how to take care of me first and foremost. I can't wait for this lease to be up and for me to continue learning these crazy life lessons, wherever I may be.

Peace That Can Only Come From Solitude

Hi, it's been awhile since I've written anything on here so I thought I would because it's Sunday and I'm taking a break from reading Eat, Pray, Love. I woke up this morning feeling bummed because I got into an argument with my sister last night. I won't go into details, but I made the decision right as I woke up that I wasn't going to let what happened yesterday determine the outlook for today. Like I've been doing for the past few weeks now, I stated three things I'm grateful for before I got out of bed. I put some laundry in, made a green smoothie, pulled my hair up, and called my dad. Me and my dad are similar in a lot of ways and we get along really well. I knew it's what I would need to lift my spirits and it did. Dad-- shout out to you for being the best man in the entire world.

Being in Arizona has been difficult for me and I'm done acting like it's this big, bright shiny experience all the time. Arizona is beautiful and I'm having a good time here. Autumn and I get along really well and our apartment is adorable. We take ourselves on dinner dates, spend nights drinking and singing, we make each other dinner, etc. It's a great time and we've bonded even more than I thought was possible. Still, I miss home. I've been going through some things here that I feel is too personal to share on the internet, so I've been writing in my personal journal a lot and that's sort of helped sort out my thoughts and feelings a little bit. One thing's for sure-- I don't know what I'm doing, haha. I've said that before in a million posts, I'm sure. But just in case I haven't gotten my message across before-- I do not know what I'm doing. However, through writing things out in my journal, I think I'm starting to understand more-- not about what I'm doing-- but more of who I am.

I think, especially with my generation, we're heavily influenced by social media. There seems to be this trendy message that's something like, "GO TRAVEL! EXPERIENCE THE WORLD! FIND YOUR PASSION!" And honestly, it's really fucked me up. What if I don't have a passion for travel? What if I have a passion for religion? Or children? Or whales? Does that mean I'm not passionate enough? Does that mean I'm not experiencing life the way I should be? No, fuck that. In the past few weeks I've realized that I don't want to travel. At least not right now. Maybe my mind will change next month, but right now, I don't want to travel. I don't want to go out all on my own and experience life independently. I only enjoy moments when I share them with the ones I love. That's just how I was born. It's in the core of who I am as a person. I am tied to home. I am tied to family. It's about time I accept that. Ya know, up until recently I used to make fun of the kids who got married young and had kids early. For obvious reasons, really. I mean, do you really know what you're doing? Are you ready for that kind of responsibility and commitment? Can you even fathom what you're really doing? But being here has kind of changed my perspective on that. Every life is different. Every person is different. My happiness is different from yours and that's okay because it's my own. I don't need to share it or validate it in order to allow myself to be happy. And I shouldn't look down on others for finding happiness that is different from my own. That's been a huge realization for me.


I went to the book store today and bought Eat, Pray, Love written by Elizabeth Gilbert. At a certain point in the book, she writes, "This is my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude." And that really stuck with me. It brought me back to the main reason I came to Arizona in the first place. It was to find peace and healing that can only be provided by solitude. I need to learn how to accept myself while I'm out here so that when I make my next big move I don't need anyone's opinion or acceptance but my own. And instead of feeling uncomfortable about my current situation, I really need to embrace my time here in Arizona because I know it's healing me in more ways than I can even count right now.

Blurry

I went to Utah this past weekend. If was the first time I'd been home in three months. The drive was long and lonely and sketchy and boring, but as I drove into Utah I was blown away by it's beauty. It's got these amazing mountains that change color based on where the sun is hiding. And there's beautiful fields. The landscape is just amazing. I've never fully appreciated it until now.

The weekend I spent there was wonderful. It was one of the best I've had in a very long time, actually. It was really good to see my friends. It was bittersweet, though. Because, although it was good to see everyone, I knew that leaving meant it would be a long time till I see them again. Sometimes I lose site of why I moved to Arizona. It seems to me that, for the past few years, I've felt very unsettled and unsatifsfied. I'm not sure how to fix it.

Tonight I'm lonely and feeling pretty lost. I'm trying to figure out what lesson life is trying to teach me, but it all seems so blurry.

21 Years Young

Well, I finally turned 21. It was a blast. I had the most amazing people around me and I couldn't have asked for more. It's funny, though, do any of you wake up the morning of your birthday kinda bummed? I know I do. Every single year. Like, I know it's my birthday and thanks for the presents, but where the hell is the ticket to Disney Land and a suitcase full of $10,000? hahaha, do you get what I'm saying? You know it's not going to be like the movies, but some small part of you hopes it will be. It's stupid and makes me sound ungrateful, but maybe you can relate.

During my weekend, I got thinking about everyone that was around me and how much they mean to me. I'd be talking to my grandpa in my kitchen and sort of zone out and be filled with unbelievable emotion just knowing he was standing right in front of me. Ya know? All my favorite people in the world drove all these hours just for me. It kind of knocks me to my knees when I think about it. I have so much love and support from so many people. It's incredible. I never have drama or mean things said or bad things done because I've eliminated the negative people in my life and I've kept only the most loving, positive ones. It's a huge blessing.

Life is good right now. I still feel like I'm on my way to somewhere greater, and some times that causes some discomfort with my present situation, but I'm learning to focus on the moment and enjoy it while it lasts.

I'm 21 and I feel as young as ever. Thanks for still reading.

Good Enough

So, there's only 6 more days till my 21st birthday. TWENTY ONE! I remember thinking that people who were twenty one were so old. I feel thirteen. I think, more than ever, I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I can admit it any time, anywhere. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. But, does anyone? Probably not.

Looking back on this past year, I've ended up where I never imagined I'd be. And I think it's a good thing. I'm far from the person I was last year. My mind, body, and soul is so much healthier. I'm growing into the person I want to be every day and I'm learning more and more to not take people's bullshit. Still a huge struggle for me, but I'm getting there. Last year, I was in a struggling relationship with someone that drug me down. Now, I'm independent as hell.

Last post I mentioned meeting someone I was interested in. And it's true! I am interested in him, but I'm not interested in having a serious relationship-- not even close. I've realized that I'm not ready to surrender my independence any time soon and I think if I put myself in a relationship, I'd probably do that. I do think it's possible to be an independent woman in a serious relationship, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm in the stage of figuring out how to love and accept myself without needing that love and acceptance from others. Adding a serious boyfriend to that mix just doesn't seem like the best idea right now.

Loving and accepting myself is an on-going battle. It's still hard for me to say no without feeling bad, and I'm really hard on myself when I make mistakes. Having this new job has been good for me because I make mistakes daily and I'm constantly having to remind myself that it's okay to make mistakes and that I need to love myself anyway. Same goes for the rest of my life. Sometimes I get drunk and say stupid things or sometimes I get too excited and blurt out something I shouldn't. My life is constantly throwing things at me to test my love and acceptance for myself. It's freaking hard.

Coming back to Arizona has been good for me in a lot of ways. I don't think I'm where I'm supposed to end up, but I think I'm on my to where I'm supposed to be. And for now, that's good enough.

Update Bo Bupdate

Hiiiii therrrrreeee.

Well, things have been looking up lately. My car is fixed finally (hallelujah!), work is going well, I met someone I'm interested in, and I've got a goal in mind for my future.

It's fun to recognize and pay attention to new stages of life I seem to be dipping my toes in lately. Every day I realize I'm becoming more and more independent and confident in myself. I still like to ask for people's opinions, but ultimately I do what I want without feeling sorry for it.

The other day a memory of me and Joe popped in my head and instead of it causing me pain, I sort of just smiled and let the memory pass. I was happy to think of him and the fun memory we shared and not feel a sting from it all. It's relieving to feel like I've finally let go of all the hurt and pain I was holding on to.

I'm trying to keep things kinda vague with everything else cause I'm not sure how much detail I want to go into yet. I'll post more later :)