Growth

The past week or so I've been having a lot of internal conflict. The plan was to go to Arizona, get a place with my sister, and see where it goes from there. But all of a sudden I got this terrifying feeling of going back there and I froze up. I talked to my friends about it and they all agreed they'd like me to stay here, of course, and that's exactly what I wanted to hear. I've got amazing friends now, as I've said a million times in other posts. I am in a great place in my life where I feel more stable and emotionally healthy. My friends are positive people in my life and I don't want to lose them. I want to spend time with them constantly and enjoy their company, so staying in Utah really seems like the easiest way to make me happy right now. Plus, I jumped into moving to Arizona one time and, though it taught me a lot, it really damaged my happiness. I was so, so lonely. If it weren't for my aunt, uncle, and their kids I don't know if I would have made it out alive. Honestly. It was the darkest, saddest time of my life. I just don't think I was ready for a big move like that. So you can imagine my fear when thinking about moving back. I just want it to be really thought out with all possibilities considered before I make a commitment like that again.

The past few days I've felt really, really torn. One minute I was sure I was moving to Arizona, the next I was sure I'd stay here. Then I told my mom I was probably going to stay here, and we got in an argument. She feels like if she says nothing I feel unsupported but when she does say something I get offended. Which is true. I have no idea why I get so defensive with her. Our communication gets lost really easily and I do think a lot of it is my fault. I'm just not sure how to fix it. But even though she really upset me and I hated everything she was saying, she made some good points that I couldn't ignore. The whole point of me quitting my job and traveling to Chicago was to get out of my comfort zone-- to live! If I were to plant myself back down in Utah, even for a year, I'd be going right back to where I started.

Still, I didn't want to accept that. I'm a hopeless romantic and a comfort zone freak. I want to feel comfortable at all times and I want someone to come sweep me up off my feet and solve all my problems. I often lose sight of the fact that I can be the person to sweep my own feet off the ground.

I wrote my great aunt to ask for her advice. It's the first time I've ever done that, but it just felt right. She wrote back explaining again how weird it is that we're going through the same stages in life. She just recently sold her art gallery. In her email she said she drove away feeling pretty defeated. She stopped at my aunt's house and found out my cousin's were just in the maturation clinic and they were feeling defeated as well. Moving on to a stage in your life that is inevitable is scary and it causes a lot of anger and frustration because you don't want the change to come. You're comfortable where you are. But without change, there is no growth. And I'm craving that growth. It's what I've been asking for all this time. I need to stop making excuses and defending the easy way out. That's not how I grow.

My friend Tosha told me a few days ago to just put it out into the universe. She said, "I know you don't have a solid standing on God, but just ask the universe what you should do. Think about it by yourself and it'll come to you." And she was so right. This morning I woke up with the absolute certainty that Arizona is the place I need to be. Kind of frustrating that I had to go through a whole fit that involved a fight with my mom to figure it out, but I made it.  I feel so at peace with my decision.