Claw Marks

I've written and rewritten this post about 4 times now, and I can't quite figure out the words I want to say. Now that I know a lot of people read this blog, it's difficult for me to put down my true thoughts and feelings out there. But because I received messages from friends and strangers telling me that they related, I guess I'll continue to give it a shot...

I'm dealing with a lot of heartache right now. I don't think the details are necessary, but for some reason I keep wanting to explain them or write them out. Every time I try to write them out I just get flustered because I don't fully understand...

All I know is that, when I was younger, I've had my share of break ups. For some reason it's always been me doing the breaking-up part and that's difficult for me because I'm such a nurturer. If I could I would just comfort and love every single person individually until they're healed and can walk on their own, but it exhausts me and eventually I walk away, usually feeling really guilty. Now, I don't really feel guilty... I just feel heartache. I think everything I've let go of in my life has claw marks on it. It's so hard for me to let go, to accept change, and to move forward without worrying about what I'm leaving behind. But this time, instead of mourning and crying, I'm sort of embracing the sadness and welcoming it because I know it means I'm healing. It's the strangest thing. I've never done it before. It hurts, but I'm accepting it. I'm not numbing it, I'm not ignoring it, and I'm not emerging myself in the sadness. I'm just sort of letting it be until it goes away.

Love is weird. It can build you up and break you down in an instant, but I still think it's the most beautiful thing life can offer. And I know I'm going to be okay.