2015: pg 1 of 365

HAPPY NEW YEAR! This past year has been the most influential by far, I think. Mainly because I'm becoming more self aware of who I am as a person and who I'm wanting to be. When I look back and think about 2014 I roll my eyes at all the bullshit that's happened and all the things I wish I would have done differently. But I sit here tonight alone in my room with Lylah and I feel nothing but peace. It's surprising to me, because lately I've felt complete inner chaos... but not tonight. For some reason I feel different.

2014 brought a lot more heartache and grief than I've ever dealt with before. My limits were tested day in and day out and the core of who I am as a human being revealed itself more than ever. Even though I still don't really know who I am, I'm finally beginning to. The process of finding yourself is so long and so painful and sometimes I can't keep up. Lately I've felt hopeless. Do you ever really find yourself? Or is it just something people tell you to calm your nerves before you jump off a cliff.

This year I've got a few things I want to focus on:

1. Fear. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Don't be afraid to hurt others' feelings if it means putting your well being first. Don't be afraid to make conversation. Don't be afraid to tell the painful truth. Don't be afraid of the dark. Don't be afraid of strangers. Don't. Be. Afraid.
2. Welcome change more kindly. There is never a constant in life. People, places, and things come and go. So embrace is while you have it, and let it go when it needs to go. Move on. Smile. Breath. Welcome change and look forward to it.
3. Learn to be content without a man. This is a big one. Your self worth, beauty, and personality isn't measured based upon how many men want to take you out. Take a drive alone, go to the book store alone, just be alone. Accept it. Get used to it.
4. Stop feeling so guilty. I feel guilty about everything. Literally. Everything. Stop. It does you no good.

I start a new job Monday. Here I go with working on the whole "embrace change" thing. I'm exciting and I'm nervous, but I'm also very positive about this. This year is going to be all about self love. Wish me luck!