I feel like this may be one of my most candid posts, but I've got to write it out because with it staying in my head I think I might go crazy.
Loneliness hit me hard today for some reason. I guess I like that a lot of friends, guys and girls, have been texting me lately and it's my decision whether or not I want to go spend time with them. But when no one calls or texts or reaches out to me I feel bad for myself and then I feel even worse because I realize how ridiculous I'm being. It's just a moment of weakness, I guess. I'll get over it and be fine tomorrow, but I'm writing to try and connect with some of my readers. What do you guys do when you feel like this? When you feel lonely and like no one wants to be around you?
I'm no stranger to this feeling... but in the past I've called ex boyfriends or close guy friends to keep me company and put a band-aid on the loneliness until I get over it. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I'm avoiding that urge. I told myself out loud that this is how I learn to commit to myself. But then I think, "well maybe being with a man for a night to make me feel less lonely is okay." But it's not, is it? It's not. Why do I attach myself to men when I'm feeling this way? It's so unhealthy.
I had plans tonight, but then my mom came down and asked if I'd stay in with my little sister so that she could go out with my step dad and some friends. Initially I said no, that my sister is 12 and can handle being alone for a few hours, but then I changed my mind. I think this is one of the first times in my life I chose my family over a guy. I'm happy that I did that, but also really disappointed that I'm just realizing how often I choose men over the people that I love.
It's also the fights tonight. I used to go over to Joe's brother's house and watch the fights with them all. It was a really good time... I can only imagine he's over there now with the woman he was cheating on me with.
Now I'm just ranting and all dramatic. It's just a weird night, I guess. I get those sometimes. Anyway, my little sister will be home from her friends in a few hours. I'm excited to have a girls night with her. Until then, I'll watch Grey's Anatomy and catch up on surgeries.
I think it's great that you're on this self love, and self preservation journey. It's really important for us to be introspective about the direction we are headed, and our course of action. Just a touch of advice that you can do whatever you please with. I've watched you really beat yourself up, wandering in confusion, trying to "change" these certain things about yourself.
ReplyDeleteI dare say, this is a journey about growth, not so much change. It seems that the core of our being will forever be the same, so trying "snuff out" certain traits is a futile ambition. Do not detest these very kind, compassionate, loyal, monogamous minded aspects about yourself, but rather, embrace with new knowledge of how these characteristics would be better spent. With growth comes the knowledge of when to share these gifts with others.
I believe this is a journey in which you should be finding those worthy of your heart, loyalty, and time, instead of punishing yourself by denying yourself what brings you happiness, and you find your soul gravitating toward. You are you, and that is something to be proud of, with full acceptance. You know what you have to offer, heighten your standards to be equal of that. Be weary of other's intentions, and be cautious of your level of devotion, and to whom. Make sure they do well to care for you equally, and your values/moral standards align. Don't deny yourself companionship, and the joys that it brings you in life from sharing your everything with someone special, because you've been hurt.
"You either move toward something you love or away from something you fear. The first expands. The second constricts."
- Tom Crum
A lover who connects with others deeply, and seeks security cannot possibly live life of the disconnected gypsy woman, and feel passion, fulfillment, and happiness. One woman's hell, is another woman's pleasure. Give yourself permission to release the pain when you've been hurt, and take another chance. You owe it to yourself.