Recently I got in to a huge fight with Joe that resulted in me almost cutting ties with him. I don't need to go in to details, because they really don't matter. It's relationship stuff. The arguments are old and the feelings are old and the situation is old. BUT it did get me thinking. I am twenty years old and I should live more for myself. I love Joe. I think we go together perfectly. But I need to learn to love myself just as much as I love him or my family or my friends or my dog. And I don't love me that much right now. And I think that's unhealthy. So, I've decided to spend a little less time worrying what he's doing and a little more time about what I'm doing.
I've made the decision to drop out of school. I hate the term "drop out" because that signifies failure. I don't think I've failed. I think I've taught myself a lesson. Of course, I can think of the negative side of dropping out-- and trust me, it's in the back of my mind each and every day. I even find myself relating it to the book I'm reading or the person I'm reading about in the news. Negative thoughts are easier to think about than positive thoughts sometimes. But I've been really trying to focus on the positivity it's bringing to my life. Lylah now gets exercise every night, I've started to exercise every night, I have enough time to actually cook meals instead of ordering out, I've picked up reading books again, and I feel more at peace.
Life really is short, ya know? Why would I do anything that didn't make me feel at peace? And that goes along with people, too. I refuse to dumb myself down or water down my confidence to please others. It's something I've done for a long time and I'm really trying to change the habit. It's hard, though, when the general public looks down on you for not going to college and sort your life out by the time you're 25. I have no plans of doing that anymore. I'm going to take it day by day and learn and take in as much as I can and when I feel like I'm ready to settle down then I'll do it. But not until I feel like I'm ready. It's so weird to think that humans don't do what they want based on what other people think. I'm of course guilty of it, too. But when you look at the big picture I feel really silly. When I'm 80 I'm going to look back and feel like an idiot for even giving people the time of day who made me feel inadequate or little or foolish. This is my time to be my own person. I'm not going to waste another second of it.
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