Noticing

The past few days I've noticed how up-in-the-air I feel. I feel like I don't have a place to call my home. I don't feel settled. It's uncomfortable and stressful to me because a sense of "home" is important to me. There's a good chance Autumn and I will be getting that apartment, which I know will help. We can set up the apartment all cute and maybe then I'll feel a little more settled. I hope so.

The past few days I've also noticed something I'm already familiar with. I'm familiar with it because I've done this since about the age of twelve. When I find someone attractive, whether it be physically or mentally or both, I seek them out to be my partner. I feel things so strongly that I immediately feel in love and just want to run off and get married. I used to really hate that about myself. I wanted to be one of those women who has never told a man, "I love you" because saying that implied something very deep and serious. But I'm not like that. I say "I love you" quickly because, at that certain time, I feel like I do. And I do, even if it's for a short while. I fall in love with the way people talk about their family or their favorite hobby. I fall in love with the way people move their hands or the way they walk. There's a lot of things about a particular person I fall in love with and if I feel like it, I'm going to tell them. The only problem is that I'm only "in love" with them for a short time. The feeling fades quickly and I'm reminded once again that I'd prefer to be alone. I've dated tons of guys, but I've only taken two of them seriously. Other than the two serious ones, I'm constantly reminded of how much I enjoy being on my own. It's a good reminder for me, but it's a painful message to tell to someone who wants you for the long run.