Heartache

I'm trying to muster the courage to write what I'm feeling. It's 1:04 AM and this is the second time I have been utterly and completely heartbroken. I can remember feeling this last when I was seventeen years old.

First, let me just say that I placed Lylah in a home today. She's a herding dog that was cooped up inside an extremely small apartment. She wasn't getting the exercise or care she needed and I found the most lovely family in Riverton to take her. They're extremely active and have a large backyard for her to play in. The woman that picked her up even cried when she saw me and Chelsea crying. She texted me later saying, "Thank you for loving her enough to let her go." That hit me pretty hard.

On top of that, the other day I contacted Joe and he came over and we had an amazing talk. We had come to an understanding with one another and agreed on a fresh start. The past few days were bliss. I can honestly say I was ready to be married. We were even talking about an elopement or court house wedding because we just couldn't wait. But something was troubling me. I kept having this strange feeling that he wasn't telling me something. Anytime I'd bring it up he would excuse it and assure me I was just over thinking. And then tonight everything came crashing down on me like some bad nightmare. Proof that Joe was lying straight to my face. When I confronted him and showed him the proof, he continued to deny it. How can you love someone so much and lie to their face even after the proof as been shown? How can you lie to the person you love at all? Why, in all 3 relationships I've been in, have I dated manipulative liars? What have I done to deserve this? What lesson am I still not learning?

I put my heart and soul into loving someone. I'm loyal, I'm supportive, and I give up all my happiness in order to take care of the person I'm in love with. I know it's not healthy, and I'm working on it, but that's what I do. I feel so used and filthy. Imagine knowing someone inside and out. Imagine knowing all their quirks. Just one look and you know exactly what they're thinking. You're not embarrassed to poop in front of them or tell them all the dirty little secrets you never dared to tell anyone. And then imagine waking up one day to the realization that the person you got to know for two years was not who that person was at all.

I can't put heartache into words. It's the kind of thing that knocks you off your feet and sends a weight darting down your heart and into the tips of your toes. You can't ignore it, you can't cover it up. It's there, and it stays there, for a very long time. So, now I'm sitting alone. Without my dog. Without someone to love me. And I am so incredibly upset. I've cried till I couldn't see straight and I've screamed till my throat gave out. I feel so stupid. I feel so naive. I knew better. I do know better. I ignored my own instinct all in the name of love. I guess the worst part is that I did this to myself.