Update on the Sadness

Hi, everyone. Just wanted to check in with everyone and let you know I haven't cried since Sunday! Wooo!

Things aren't getting better, the pain is still unbearable, and I'm still at a loss of words and thoughts. But I'm okay. I've got this weird intuition thing. There have been 3 parties I've been to where I just know the cops are gonna come, so I don't drink. All 3 times they've come and I was sober and didn't get a ticket. And then on Saturday night, right before my world got turned upside down, I sat up in bed and stared at the wall just knowing that something was going to happen and then boom. All the texts and screenshots came flooding in, revealing the truth about Joe.

And now I've got another weird intuition feeling. I know that all this pain and hurt is for a reason. I know it's because I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to love myself without a man loving me. I don't know how to be independent and happy at the same time. I'm a relationship kind of girl. I like going through life with a companion, it's enjoyable to me. But I'm also aware that there comes a flaw with enjoying life that way. And it's time to recognize the flaw and improve it so that I can spare myself this kind of pain from happening again.

Still, I'm sad. Being cheated on is something a million, billion people have gone through, and yet it feels so pure and fresh and raw and new. It's like this is the first time it's ever happened to anyone in the world. It's like no one understands. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that you could be with someone for two years and they could be so confident in lying to your face. And the twisted part? I just want him to text me or call me. Not so I can take him back, just to know I'm still wanted and loved and cared about by the person I gave my time and love and effort to for the past while. Because I loved him with my entire being. And he loved me only because I took care of him. How can you not have love for someone who pays your bills and mothers your son on the weekends and feeds you and has sex with you? Seriously.

I've had a rough 20 fucking years of living. I'm just hoping I go through tons of shit now so the rest of my life is breezed through with ease. Seriously, something's gotta give. Right?

I do have to just take a minute to stop talking about my poor, pitiful life and recognize the amazing and beautiful angels in my life. It's really weird writing down my thoughts and feelings and having random people replying to me so kindheartedly. People I had no idea would ever, in a million years, care about what I had to say on a stupid blog. So let me just say, THANK YOU. You guys that have messaged me just to say you relate and I bring you a sense of friendship, even if we've never hung out, thank you. It gives my writing more meaning. It makes me feel like I'm connecting with someone. And on the nights I'm most lonely, I really need that.

And to my close family and friends that have been checking up on me and calling me and posting about me on social media, I love you. I love you more than I could ever express. I wish I could show you how much love I have for you all, but you'd probably die from all the love smothering the shit out of you. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you all reminding me how loved and cared about I am every day. Thank you.