Late Night Rant.

I can tell people now that I don't miss Joe. And I mean it. I don't miss him. I think I always knew there was something wrong with the relationship we had. I just loved him and I wanted it to work so bad.

Most of the time when I tell people I'm fine, I am fine. I'm happy. I enjoy sleeping in my own bed and not having to worry about someone else's actions or thoughts or feelings. But then there's times like 5 minutes ago... when I'm watching Netflix and all of a sudden a memory comes shooting through my brain and I'm hurt again. I bite my lip and breathe deeply so that I don't cry. But all that does is force through more memories. But only bad memories. They're memories of the last few days I had with him. When I knew in my gut something was wrong. I keep thinking about the last few nights we spent together and how off they felt. I remember a lot of things.

Then I got to thinking about how I got a new phone and changed my number and how I'll probably never speak to him again and it made me sad. Why would that make me sad? Then I started thinking that I'll probably be out of contact with a lot of people because I don't have their numbers anymore. And that made me sad, too. It made me sad because I realized I hold myself responsible for staying in contact with all my friends and family and I don't really count on them to do the same. And I don't even know if they would. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Why is it so hard to let go of people? Life has taught me that nothing is permanent. I know that, but I can't accept it. It's still too uncomfortable.