Realization

Everyone seems to have their own ideas and opinions on the way life should be lived. People have all this advice that they love to hand out without anyone really asking for it. If you go left when they tell you to go right, they're offended and confused. I've always been the girl to go the way everyone tells me to go. I don't like confrontation and I don't like making people feel uncomfortable or doubtful of me. But something occurred to me the other day... I haven't asked for advice for what seems like a long time. I've stopped asking for approval. I do what I want, when I want, and I'm really enjoying it. I can feel life getting lighter since I've been doing this. The opinions of other's aren't weighing me down so much anymore.

I've also realized that life is different for each and every single person on this planet. Just because you chose a specific path that worked for you doesn't mean that same path would bring me joy and satisfaction. Actually, it most likely would have me hating life because we're two completely different people with completely different wants. Ya know? Anyway, I just got to thinking about how much of my youth I've already wasted on the opinions and guidance of others. For once I can finally say I trust myself to know me. And that feels really good to say.

On another note, I'm still doing okay. It's funny, I crawl in to bed almost every night with a huge sigh of relief. I love sleeping alone in my big and cozy bed. I love resting easy knowing I'm no longer worrying about a boyfriend lying and cheating on me. It's nice. Still, there's those moments driving in my car when a memory of him stabs into my brain like some painful nightmare. It happens a few times a day randomly. For some reason they're never happy memories either. They're always moments I knew my intuition was warning me of something and I ignored it all in the name of love. Even though the feelings and thoughts flood back into my brain and cause me to feel uncomfortable and heavy, I'm then reminded of the beauty in it. The beauty is this: I'm now capable of learning to love myself. I dodged a huge bullet. I'm also no longer mad at myself for choosing to believe Joe all those times. I'm not mad at myself because why would I be? I had only wanted love to work. And I worked really, really hard for it . Almost a year ago I got a tattoo on my back that says, "Never a failure, always a lesson". Joe was there when I got it. Looking back now I can't help but smile at the irony.