Weekend Words

The other day I was on the phone with one of my good friends and while I was talking to her, I came to the realization that leaving Utah was one of the best decisions I've made in my life so far. I don't necessarily think that Utah is the source of the toxicness, I think probably most places you grow up has it, too. But just staying in the same place with the same people for years and years can't be good for you, can it? How do you experience anything life-altering and something worth writing about or telling about if you don't go out and actually do something? I don't know... life can be lived zillions of different ways, but I'm so glad I'm starting to figure out the best way of living for me.

When I got back on social media, I unfollowed just about every person on Instagram. Not because I don't like them, but because for some reason or another, seeing their pictures of their lives didn't put in any positivity into my life. I moved away from Utah because I felt like there wasn't any more experiences there to add any positivity, either. And I was so right. I feel so much more healthy in so many ways now that I'm out on my own. I still have bad days, and even though they're bad, they're still good. They're still good because I'm focusing on me and only me every single day. I work out, I eat healthy, I have an amazing job, and a great apartment. I'm closer with my family than I ever have been, and I stay in touch with the people who I know genuinely love and care about me.

I'm really thankful for the choices I've made that have brought me to where I am today. Even if they were bad choices at the time, it brought me here. And "here" is so good.

Howevvvvvver, even though I'm focusing all of my time and energy into bettering myself, I still get lonely sometimes. I catch myself romanticizing old flings and convincing myself there was something more there because I'm lonely. But when I really think about it, I wonder if I would even be ready to handle a serious relationship right now. I love sleeping alone and making my own choices without worrying if it'll upset or offend someone else. I love being free to do whatever I want without having to consult with a partner first. Am I even willing to give that up?

I've always been a relationship girl. I've always had a guy around. I think this is the first and longest time where I've really just been with myself. I think it's crucial that it's happening now, but jeez, a good makeout sesh would be great right now.